The Booklet

I get annoyed by Horny people.

It is a bother riding in the Summer with these people venting their frustrations on the vehicle before them. There has been so much said about the ill-effects of being so Horny all the time, but people do not seem to give a furry rat's ass about it. So finally I am erupting like a volcano to slam these mouther fulchers hard. Excuse the heavy sexual innuendos; I think its cuz I did some stretch this evening. MUST STO... CANT STOP!!!

Anywho... There are three kinds of Horny people;
Safehorn, Bullhorn, Horntalker

The Safehorn is your overcautious, I-am-moving-three-feet-to-my-left-so-I-am-honking person. This category generally occurs most with people who have recently made a transition from a bike to a car. More often than not, these people have meek horns which sound almost apologetic for even being honked. A safehorn is annoying most in relatively empty roads, where they honk waking babies to update non-existent vehicles on the turn they are taking!

The Bullhorn... grr... Blood boiling even thinking. I will come back to this.

The Horntalker. If you are annoyed easily when strangers are overly familiar, like I am, this is your killjoy. These are jobless people who honk because they think it is fun to talk to the other person riding in front. You can identify them by the specific pattern of honking. If you hear a Nokia standard SMS tune, you have found yourself a Horntalker. Biggest problem, apart from wanting to invent a shrink ray, shrink them and keep repeatedly kicking them after having injected them with ant-like toughness, is that the signals of one horntalker to another is so different that the horn ends up doing the opposite of what a horn should do; instead of giving a clear signal, it confuses you.

I have to come to the Bullhorn. These are idiots who have shoved their... because I am told that I have a family oriented audience reading my blog; some body part up/in the horn. They have distinct bigger-than-my-bike attitudes which spillover in the inappropriately loud/unmatching horns they keep honking, just because they have spent an extra grand on it. I am not a very violent person. But sometimes I wish that I can break these folks' foreheads against the dashboard. Am not that violent; ask the people who I have not beaten up.

There has not been any age-type pattern in all these three categories and slight overlaps are possible between these categories. However, it has been noticed that women with big cars are more often sucked into the Bullhorn category than men with big cars and interestingly the Bullhorn category is also full of men with small penises... I mean... Well, not men with small cars. Oops... Freudian silp!

By my classification, you must have realized that according to me, no honker is a good honker... you know, unless it really is a great honker! ;) winky wink! But coming to the point, all honking is pissing off. However, there are situations where one NEEDS to honk. They are;

To geniunely give a signal. Solution: Use a direction indicator light.

To passover a vehicle in front of you. Solution: Use the dimmer at night. In the day, go closer to the vehicle's tail light and nod your head. The other person's rearview mirror usually catches the driver at the tail and more often than not, this works. Also helps you keep your speed in control.

To reach your pregnant wife to the hospital. For God's sake man, don't cheap out on an Ambulance. They can drive even on the wrong side of the road.

Given that all my ideas are those in use already I am going to introduce my world changing concept; for there are always situations where the driver ahead is a dickhead and needs to be honked at. Hear me out. Honking at him/her is not going to change the bad way they drive. But my innovation is going to. Go for the drum roll now matey, for my innovation is....

The Booklet.

A simple booklet contains twenty five leaves and is issued out under specific drivers' names. A driver cannot have more than one booklet per year. Whenever a person in front is annoying you, you can choose to (a), suck it up and passover at the next signal without any issues. Or if your boss had shouted at you at work or somebody spilt scalding hot coffee on your pants, then you can choose to use the Booklet (which is option (b), btw).

To use the Booklet, simply move next to the annoying car at a signal, take a leaf from your booklet and fill out the car's number, nature of offence, time and date of the event and... Slap that mouther fulcher so hard on the face that it needs a towing truck to take his jaw back to the rest of his/her face. It is completely legal. More empowering than honking. Obviously more cathartic. Less accidents will occur. People will not go slapping the world, because, with just twenty five leaves per year, they will be forced to be very judicious. Since holiday season has a lot of people in an upbeat mood, the most natural time for using of the booklet is countered (because people realize that they have more than a few leaves left). This can also be checked by setting up some kind of a reward system for people who have many leaves left. So if a person gets slapped, he/she must have deserved it, for the person taking all this trouble. More importantly, if the receiver of the slap can prove that the slap was wrongly administered, he/she can always file a complaint because they have the leaf with the details of the driver who slapped them. If proven right, they can slap the original offender twice and if the plea is defeated, a heavy fine and three slaps will be imposed on the appealer.

Am I just a violent, feudal, old testament kinda guy? Or am I really on to something here? What do you think about the Booklet? I know you would like to slap someone! So ya, make this happen!